Guiding Teenagers: A Biblical Approach

9 minutes to read

Some would argue that raising teenagers is possibly the most challenging phase of parenting. Here are some reasons why this may be true: 

Puberty
Most children, boys and girls, start puberty in their early teenage years. This is a stage of their lives when they experience physiological changes which they do not usually know how to handle. These changes are also often misunderstood or mishandled by parents. 

It is a season of life usually characterized by a deep sense of insecurity stemming from an over consciousness of their bodies and their appearance. There is a longing for the approval of peers and a strong desire for friendships. It is also the stage in their lives where thoughts about their careers often result in increased stress and anxiety. 

Social Pressure
A recent report titled ‘Student Suicides: An epidemic sweeping India’ by the IC3 Institute says that India has the highest deaths by suicide in youngsters across the world. Dr. Amit Sen a psychiatrist says, “India has the highest number of deaths by suicide in youngsters. Across the world, the largest cause of death in youth is road accidents, but in India, it is suicide.”¹

That is deeply concerning and reveals the enormous pressure that we as a society put on our children. To us, our children’s accomplishments give us an opportunity to increase our social stature. Young people silently bear the brunt of this expectation, until they crumble and take the ultimate step. 

Social Media
To add to all these pressures, the influence of social media and the addiction to it has also reached epidemic levels. Various studies show the harmful effects of social media on the psychology of teenagers, often leading to depression and other mental health issues. One writer says, “I believe that social media, and the internet as a whole, have negatively impacted our ability to both think long-term and to focus deeply on the task in front of us. It is no surprise, therefore, that Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, prohibited his children from using phones or tablets—even though his business was to sell millions of them to his customers!”²

Our relationship with our children cannot be characterized by constant anger and irritation toward them.

Sin
Fundamental to all this confusion is the fallen and sinful nature of the individual which fuels an overindulgence in self, an inordinate desire for love and acceptance, a lust for position and fame, and an unrestrained thirst to satisfy what the Bible calls the ‘flesh.’ It is our unbelief in the goodness of God and our inability to be satisfied in Him that drives us to find meaning and significance in other things. 

Christian youth are not immune to the changes that adolescence brings on. And neither are they shielded from the societal pressures and expectations of family and friends, and often church members. Adults have been conditioned to see youthfulness and godliness as mutually exclusive. Most people set low expectations for young people to understand God’s Word or to follow Christ, which does nothing to encourage them.

Christian parents must carefully consider how to guide and nurture their teenage children through these tumultuous years. They need our understanding, wisdom, and experience to help them navigate the complexities they face. 

Now that we have identified some of the issues that teenagers face today, and the underlying problem of sin, these are some practical ways we can serve them better.

1. Prioritise your relationship with them

One of the best ways to help your children through their teenage years is to have a close relationship with them. The turmoil of these years often causes teenagers to isolate themselves and it is important for parents to keep an open line of communication with them. This is best done years before your children begin their teenage years. Early or late, parents need to cultivate a home that is built around relationships, not around performance or tasks. If your children see that you value your relationship with them more than other things, they will always feel comfortable to seek your help, advice and guidance through difficult seasons of their lives.

Our relationship with our children cannot be characterized by constant anger and irritation toward them. Ephesians 4:25-32 offers Biblical instruction for our relationships. We must be watchful that we do not sin in our anger (4:26), being careful that our words build up and give grace (4:29), and being dutiful to be kind and compassionate toward our children (4:32). 

Christian parents must model gospel truths in their relationship with their children. Consider how your Father in heaven relates to you as His child, and then apply those principles to your relationship with your children. 

2. Pursue meaningful conversations around the gospel

Teenage children are at an age where we need to help them understand how and why the gospel of Christ is relevant for their lives. They are unlikely to accept what you teach unquestioningly; they want to understand the how’s and the why’s of the gospel as it relates to life. It is important for believing parents to make time for their teenage children to talk about these things in deeper ways. 

Having gospel or Bible conversations as you go through life is good and helpful. Not that you simply toss Bible verses at your teenage kids, but that you discuss the Bible and life with them. Deuteronomy 6:7 urges parents to teach their children God’s Word as they go through life, saying, “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” 

The idea here is to integrate God’s Word and the gospel into everything in life. To “teach them diligently” means to help them understand how God’s Word relates to life, and how it is relevant to the questions they are asking. 

3. Set an example for your children

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 11:1, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” Can Christian parents readily say this to their teenage children? The best lessons are caught, not simply taught. Our children will usually do what we do, not necessarily what we say. 

Christian parents must model gospel truths in their relationship with their children.

As believing parents, ensure that you are living according to God’s Word. Let them see that the gospel has a bearing on your whole life including the decisions, choices, and priorities, you have. When you work hard, care for your church community, serve people around you, speak with kindness, practice reading God’s Word and prayer, stay away from bad habits, then your teenage children are more likely to follow your footsteps. Teenagers are deeply influenced by what they see, not necessarily what they hear.

4. Set boundaries and give responsibility

As believing parents, it is important to set boundaries for our children. Disciplining teenagers is different from disciplining young children. Using corporal punishment is unwise once your children reach their teenage years. However, the figurative ‘rod’ of discipline may be used by enforcing consequences when boundaries are breached. Those consequences may include time bound restrictions on things that they enjoy doing.

A more positive approach is to help them create a routine and to give them responsibility. This will naturally set boundaries for how they use their time. It begins with how they make their beds, manage their room, going on to more significant responsibilities that you may entrust them with. Your teenage children should learn to be involved and contributing members to the functioning of your home.

The sluggard in Proverbs (6:9-11; 10:4,5; 10:26; 24:30 – 34) is a good example of someone who lacks discipline and faces the consequences of choosing that lifestyle. Discuss these passages with your children and show them the benefits of discipline.

5. Allow for other mentors in their lives

Parents of teenagers need to understand that there is a whole generation or two between them and their children. We must admit that we don’t often understand our teenage kids or their world. It is helpful therefore to seek others who are older to your teenage children, but closer to their age who might serve as godly mentors in their lives. A healthy church community can provide that kind of environment where you have these mentoring relationships. 

We may as parents feel bad that our children don’t look to us for all the answers to their questions. We may be reticent or cautious to allow them to receive counsel and advice from others. Neither of these reasons are legitimate or helpful for the growth and maturing of our teenagers. 

6. Pray for your children

This goes without saying but should be said anyway. We cannot and must not try to control and manipulate our teenage children. They will find ways to do what they want on the sly. What we desire most is a shaping of their hearts or the inner person. While we have a part to play in that, it is finally the arena in which only the Spirit of God can make a difference. We are wholly dependent on the Lord for His transformation in the lives of our children so that they see and savour Christ, and choose joyfully to live for His glory.

Some who are reading this may feel like they have failed as parents because their teenage children have gone astray. The best thing you can do is to pray for them earnestly and portray gospel realities in your relationship with them.

The words of Ephesians 5:1-2 aptly applies to the way we parent our teenage children. “Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. [2] And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”³

1.  https://ic3institute.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Student-suicides.pdf
2.  Meurisse, Thibaut, Dopamine Detox: A short guide to remove distractions and get your brain to do hard things, New Delhi, Wisdom Tree, 2023, Pg. 19, Kindle Edition
3.  All Scripture references in the English Standard Version