Seeking Wise Counsel for Marital Challenges

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“A man of understanding will acquire wise counsel” (Prov. 1:5). “Wisdom is with those who receive counsel” (Prov. 13:10). The book of Proverbs encourages us to seek wisdom through counsel. However, not all counsel is wise. As Proverbs also warns, “The thoughts of the righteous are just, but the counsels of the wicked are deceitful,” (Prov. 12:5). Therefore, when seeking wisdom, it is crucial to seek the thoughts of the righteous rather than the counsel of the wicked. This raises an important question: whom should we approach for counsel regarding marital challenges?

God’s Great Purpose For Marriage
In Ephesians 5:31, Paul (quoting from Genesis 2:24) says, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This verse defines marriage according to God's design. Paul then adds in verse 32, “This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.” Here, Paul reveals that God’s definition of marriage is a “great mystery.” When properly understood, it unveils God's great purpose for marriage: to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church. Marriage is intended to reveal the glories of Christ and to reflect the Gospel so that the watching world may be drawn to the Gospel and, through faith in Jesus Christ, be saved.

Seeking Counsel Through Apostolic Writings
When seeking counsel for our marriage we need to remain faithful towards the great purpose that God has for it. Therefore, we need to hear from people who have insight into the mystery that Paul mentions in Ephesians 5:32. Paul explains that Christ has revealed this mystery to “His apostles and prophets in the Spirit” (Eph. 3:5). We access this revelation through the apostolic writings. Paul himself states, “By referring to this, when you read you can understand my insight into the mystery of Christ.” Therefore, the apostolic writings serve as a repository of wise counsel on Christian marriage (e.g., Matt. 19:3-10; Mk. 10:2-12; 1 Cor. 7:1-40; Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18-19; Heb. 13:4; 1 Pet. 3:1-7).

Seeking Counsel From Mature Believers In Your Local Church
As we grow in our understanding of Scripture, we continually need support and help from other mature believers within our local church. Elders or pastors who are "able to teach" (1 Tim. 3:2) are often the most accessible sources of counsel. However, they are not the only ones from whom we can seek marital counselling. Elders are tasked with equipping the saints “for the work of service,” (Eph. 4:12) and entrusting apostolic teachings to “faithful men who will be able to teach others,” (2 Tim. 2:2).  It is beneficial to seek their wise counsel as well. 

Additionally, younger women should seek the counsel of older women who can “encourage [them] to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonoured,” (Ti. 2:3-5). 

In summary, we can deepen our understanding of the apostolic writings on Christian marriage through the teaching ministry of our leaders (Heb. 13:17) and other mature believers (Rom. 15:14). We must learn from one another!

Seeking Counsel from Mature Believers Who Are Good Role Models
The mature believers, from whom we seek counsel, are those who are actively living out God’s great purpose for marriage. They are excellent role models as husbands and wives who glorify Christ, reflect the Gospel, and draw others to Christ through their marriage.

For instance, Scripture teaches that husbands are to help their wives grow spiritually through the ministry of God’s word (Eph. 4:15-16; 5:23). They actively put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, slander, and malice toward their wives (Col. 3:19; Eph. 4:31). Instead, they display kindness, compassion, and forgiveness towards them (Eph. 4:32). In other words, husbands are to love their wives despite their sinful behaviour, showing sacrificial love towards them (Eph. 5:1-2, 25). They are to not blame their wives or burden them with guilt; instead, they constantly remind them of the Gospel, encouraging them to confess their sins, return to Christ, and enjoy a clear conscience (Eph. 5:26; cf. Gen. 3:12). They are considerate of their wives’ needs, they are gentle, protective, and supportive, helping them to grow in every area of their lives (Eph. 5:28-29; 1 Pet. 3:7). They protect their wives from spiritual dangers, helping them remain devoted to Christ, and, ultimately, presenting them completely pure to Christ (Eph. 5:27; Rev. 19:7; cf. 2 Cor. 11:2). The younger men should seek counsel from such husbands who practice this teaching of Scripture.

Likewise, Scripture teaches that wives are to joyfully submit to their husbands in every area of their lives (Eph. 5:22, 24, 33; Col. 3:18; Ti. 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1, 5-6). They are to submit to their husbands, recognising that their husbands exercise Christ-given authority and their submission is ultimately to the Lord Jesus Christ. They do so “in the fear of Christ” (Eph. 5:21), submitting to their husbands, “as to the Lord.” Therefore, when their husbands lead in ways that dishonour Christ, they also respectfully do not submit in those specific instances. The younger women should seek counsel from such wives who practice this teaching of Scripture.

Husbands and wives who lead and submit in these ways demonstrate that they have understood God’s great purpose for marriage: to glorify Christ and reflect the Gospel. Those who come seeking their counsel will also be guided to do the same!